found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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