im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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