I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
