The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
