he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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