grandma shit on top of the toilet
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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