thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize