My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
