I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
