Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
