Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
