At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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