you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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