Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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