Someone shit on the floor
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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