I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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