You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My liver just had a heart attack.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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