every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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