1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
