He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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