ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
