I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
