i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
