i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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