I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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