i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
