I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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