the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
