A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Randomize
