His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
