Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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