im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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