Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
