Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
