I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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