I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
