you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
