On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
