dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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