I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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