This dress was meant to end up on your floor
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
