My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
