someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Randomize
