I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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