Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
