Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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