I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
