chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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