he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
