Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
