I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
