i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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