So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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