I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
