Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
