Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
