he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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