Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
