An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
