Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
