That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
