You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
