oh god the rape fog is back!
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
