It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
A+ Viking dick
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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